Monday, February 28, 2011

The Underwhelming Oscars

Last night was the 83rd Annual Academy Awards and the Kings Speech broke records winning three major awards, while also winning best picture.  I have not seen it, but have heard amazing things and Colin Firth is sexy.  Black Swan and Natalie Portman are scary so she deserved the win, due to the fact she's knocked up and played a schizophrenic ballarina...oh Hollywood.  Let me now talk about the man of the night and the man of my heart; JAMES FRANCO, he is so amazing and so beautiful.  Also, he must of had 12 gravity bong hits beforehand, because he was stoned out of his mind.  Crazy Kids.

Heres my best dressed of the night.

Damn this girl is hot, whoever the hell she is.  She proves you can look glamourous without putting too much effort in...or is that what she wants us to think.  Whoever she is shes wearing Calvin Klien Collection, which is always a boring yet rewarding choice.

This girl is 14!!!!!! What a bitch, I didn't look like that at 14, I had braces, acne, and my walkman.  Oh the Irony, she dresses like a moviestar in a custom made Marchesa dress she helped design and at 14 I dressed like Avril Lavigne.  Sweet life.

Oh Mandy, I'm missing you like Candy, where have you been gurl!  I love this dress, mostly because it sparkles and her skin is so pale I can't tell where the dress ends and her alien skin begins.  Her hair is perfect as is her makeup, buttt these earring are all wrong she needs a giant emerald stud...where ya at Van Cleef.

This is how you dress like a moviestar ladiezzz, this ain't the prom its da Oscars.  This Givenchy dress is like artwork, while being totally wearable and that is difficult to achieve.  It does help that this bitch is a timeless beauty and her hair looks like my moms.

This dress cost a million dollars baby, I LOVE FEATHERS!  Hilary Swank could kick my ass; therefore, all I have to say is this dress is sick.

GPaltrow is so annoying and I know her husband thinks so too, I mean here he is the lead singer of Coldplay and his wife sings more venues than he does and shes tone def...brutal.

This dress is awesome and everyone hates it, which makes it even better.  I love how it's little mirrors everywhere, I bet an Indian from India made this, they love mirrors in clothes and bags. #tacky

Its sad that last year Sandra was at the peak of her career and living a happy life with her family and now her ex-husband is marrying Kat Von D...wooooof.  Anyway the ex is deff kicking himself after this dress....MAMA looks good.

This is my second favorite dress, but noone cares because she's MArky Mark's date, wife, mom, grandma, or gf.  Like, who in the blazes is this women and why is her dress so ahhmazing.

I thought I like this dress, but now it looks like Ariel's sheet after she orgasms out of the ocean with know the part I'm talking about.  Well its ugly and toole is for tools.

Worst Dressed
This is victorian and gross.

Nicole Kidman always pulls out her best outfits when she isn't getting an award...see my Grammys post. This is strange and looks like my grandmas tablecloth she uses at christmas at the botton and the top looks like a sewed on nakpin that matches.

I need to imform you this trainwreck was actually on People's bestdressed list, good god are they clueless.  As if, this dress was gorgeous until they gave it to Amy Adams to ruin with an ugly face, a necklace, and ginger untamed hair.  Its funny and true, but I read it over and felt kind of bad. Oh well.

She is so werid, I can just feel it.  I know her personality is just like Mia Thirmopolous from Princess Diaries, but now shes a moviestar so they hide her strange quirks behind hair and makeup.  Anyway this dress seems overhyped, I don't know why I don't like it, because I usually love everything she wears.  I mean at last years Oscars she wore that Armani Prive dress I still get a boner over, and this year shes boring.  I wonder if Zoe still styles her, I feel like maybe not after this look, it needs better accessories.

This dress was a best dressed for me at first, but the more I looked at it the more I wanted to light it on fire.  Her hair is awesome and I am dying it this color the second my lowlife baby daddy sends me teh child support checks.  

Hello I am Miss South Carolina, I love world peace, long bubble baths, sensitive men, and women's rights.  Reese good god women whot hopponed?  This is so Julia Roberts in 2001 winning for Erin Brockovich and that isn't a good thing, because I hate Julia and her fake smile and it's 2011.

People also said this was a best dressed nominee.  It looks like little sparkling leeches sucking the blood from her engorged tits.

I have never seen a chanel dress I didn't like and I feel it is against my religion to hate this dress.  I don't hate the dress it just isn't right or something.  I KNOW, it belongs on a older more sophisticated women up for an award with a better bra and better spanx.
photo cred: People, Usweekly, and celebuzz.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

j'adore bitches.

I love bitches and I ain't talking about dogs here.  I love girls who are badass and truly don't give a fuck, they are effortless and get what they want while acting like they don't want anything.  The best way to explain a the kind of bitch I'm talking about would be through TV.  Now there are many kinds of bitches, there are unoriginal bitches who are just mean and I hate that kinda bitch, I like bitches who aren't mean to people they are honest and do what they want.  Here are some examples.

Kristin from Laguna Beach
Oh Kristin you are such an annoying bitch, but christ you get what you want and you don't care who you piss off.  Yes she may have talked shit a little too much, but it was always true?  I disliked her on the Hills, but on Laguna Beach she was in her prime.  Lauren was a pathetic puppy for Steeeeee-vann, while Kristen gave them both the run-around making Steven like her more and Lauren like her less.  

Deb Morgan from Dexter
This is my favorite bitch on television nooo joke, google her right now and listen to her potty mouth in action.  She says the most disgusting things, I aspire to talk as dirty as deb.  She's a huge bitch and basically hands men their balls everyday, because she can and she's that badass.

Effy Stonum from Skins

This chick inspires me and she's 17 years old, so you would think I lead a boring, meaningless life; however, you wold be wrong.  If you have seen BRITISH SKINS you know what I'm talking about, I love everything this girl says, thinks, wears, and inhales.  Now since I'm in America and Skins is a new show on MTV I have to specify.  American Skins is so stupid, it would be more worth your time to get a spinal tap then sit through MTV's sad attempt to recreate the best cast of sex-crazed and drug-addicted collegiates ever to exist.  However, you can't blame MTV, instead blame the Wasps who built this country on hard-work and chastity, NO better yet blame bloody mary and the other crazy catholics of England....or just blame Luther...or his mother haha.  Anyway I want to be Effy and strive to be just like her, she cares about nothing and effortlessly does everything perfect...she's actually the opposite of me.

Heres some Effy fashion...sort of Grudge Glam 

SO to conclude....Bitches is Bitches, but there are many kinds of bitches.  SO, don't be a mean bitch be a carefree awesome bitch.  Ciaoo chickens


TopShop has the greatest jewelry right now and it's so cheap its almost unfair; I feel like I'm stealing from Kate Moss herself.  When I say I'm stealing from Kate Moss, what I mean is, I feel like I'm stealing from TopShop and since everyone in America thinks of Kate Moss when you say TopShop your stealing from her, which creates a inflation for the coke dealers in London.  So go on and buy some juzz so Kate Moss can feed her addiction and her child.  Also, when I say cheap, I mean everything is under 45 dollars.
I like that these are mismatched earrings, I myself do this often, but I've never seen them mismatched to buy.

I used to make wire jewelry and its pretty easy to do, just take a little rock or gem and tie wire around it with a hook to attached to a gold chain and VOILA!

I love coins!!!!

Fish sculls can be found in the garbage can and its cool, that means it's garbage can chic.

I love a good clusterfuck, actually thats a huge lie.  There's nothing I hate more than crowds and people, but when it comes to jewelry I love a clusterfucked-up mess.

Ohh pretty

Hammered underrated.

This is from the gods themselves, Hermes deff wore this everyday as he flew around Mt Olympus.  Get it it looks Greek. 

Monday, February 21, 2011

bingeing for an ano....eye candy

First of all, IF this were entirely true, I would've had to disregard the early bootleg lunch, Au Bon Pain coffee, and trip to Solas (which I shall track back to later). In other terms, EYE CANDY was the major indulgence and priority to my trip to Boston (part deux) today.
Secondly, I am jealous of the Jewish paradox of wringing out each every cent for the dollar. If you are from the north shore of Massachusetts, you would probably think the last name Hoffman means bar/bat mitzfahs, lots of red wine on Friday nights (taken away bread due to choloesteral) and making the penny that could be avoided--exiled. As my last name is Hoffman there is sometimes confusion that I am Jewish. I'm not--religiously speaking. However--and I am sure that those that know me would agree--I only like to spend money on things that really matter to me or at least I care to drop billz on.
Transportation is not one of them (unless if I am not paying for it of course and there is no reasonable/instant effect on the contributor).
Public transportation is da bombbb! Your city pays enough for it to be in effect (affect?) in the first place and if you ever get lost, there is usually someone lingering around that can and will point you in the right direction (failure to due so would only amount in degenerating that city's ability to manuver around the city with one's eyes blindly shut). Don't drive in--you'll end up paying $30 for parking remotely close to your desitnation or risk towing/vandelism/PIA-ness driving endlessly looking for a spot/now you can have at least 2 drinks.
Now that you have your head semi out of your arse, allow me to continue.

My dearest mother and I began our big day in the citay on Charles Street, a neighbor of Beacon Hill and extravegant territory for you splurggers. Accompanied by new trustafarian boutiques, antique shops still manage to prosper on this quaint, one-way traffic strip. Watch out for the BMW's and energy efficient Hummers (whatever that means) because they will not even stop for Katie Holmes but do mind the abundency of drop-dead gorgeous emerald, saphire, and brassy vintage jewelery that hangs in these antique shops.
Here's a glimpse of the 20th Century antique jewlery shop I snagged a photo of while browsing the pageant queen crowns and other evening bags.
If you could only see the array of men's tie tacks and cuff links....
If you head south (or with the one-way traffic) down Charles Street, you'll come to Boston Common. This legendary area is where Frog Pond resides so you can get your ice skate on (what a place for a date!...none have you have taken me there by the way) which eventually trickles over to Boylston St. and its notorious parallel, Newbury St. After I got my H&m fix, our plan was to go over to a shoe store. My undeclared and politically incorrect ADD kicked in as we passed a newly installed British gem called All Saints Spitafield. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g in each square foot of this place schmammed me with aw and attraction. It's edgy, **hella** riskay, clothes heavy as my ski boots, and shoes that will drive you to venture out to Michael's and purchase a gluegun and Payless pumps and hire that obscurly small middle aged man to be your cobbler.

One of my favorite childhood films, Little Mermaid as Ariel makes herself decent thanks to a makeshift dress of a sail and line ("rope" for all of you non-seamen) reminded me of this work of wearable fashion.
After my mother dragged me out of my delusionally affordable state of mind, we trudhged over to the shoe store SHE has been ranting and raving about, called the Tannery.
and one of the grandest yet underwhelming shoe stores I have ever encountered.
Word to the wise--Presidents day is a day we not only give major props to those chuckleheads who founded our country, but also hit up those freakin sales! It's a day of no work for a lot (minus retail) but more importantly, it's the..
End   Of     the     Winter     Season     bulk/retail.
AKA everyone wants to get rid of their winter stock and since a lot of college students/staffers of the real world have the weekend of, they go shoppppinnn and drown in deals because the winter is really only half done.
The "Tannery" was selling all of their winter boots for 50% off (Frye's were 20% off, respectively).
I purchased these Bass boots for 50 bucks--originally 100 (haha suckahs!! and notice train in background..student round trip is only 6 bucks for me). They are waterproof, they are durable and I know that they will stand (literally) the test of time in Vermont's mud season.
Now, if ONLY dating could result in such assurance and reliability...
After I made my grand purchase ma and I crossed the street over to a bar called Solas. Snagging two seats at the bar, we order two glasses of wine, bread, and a soup for $20 (the resembelence among this bartendar and my recent ex-boyfriend we both dawned upon as he graciously asked for my ID was priceless).
The couple next to us were from Britain and we discussed things of their ski trip to the in-door ski resort of Dubai and our blow-out (not kidding...70 mph winds) at Waterville Valley over the past weekend.
The night concluded with my fashion show strutting in my boots in the kitchen and leftovers of beef stew, riggatoni, and copious amounts of Kendall-Jackson.
Did I mention car payments???

Sunday, February 20, 2011

simple jill and cupcakes

JustJill wearing: Urban dress, we who see shoes, and fox fur stole ( picked up in Florence and paid entirely too much, crooks or dumb abroad student?)

Same outfit take away fur add coat from Tibet.  This was handmade by Tibetan refugees and bought for 200 rupees...lets just say it was cheaper than the fox.

Red Velvet Cupcakes from our friend in Boston

The whole trolsen clan, looking mighty awesome.
Photo: OlsensAnonymous

Hello all, and by all I mean the five people I beg to read this blog...I'm sorry to have neglected you but get over it.  Here's my roommate jill sporting a casual outfit with accessories that completely change the overall feel of the outfit.  Also, heres red velvet cupcakes, because who doesn't like cupcakes or the olsens?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Best & Worst Dressed- Grammys 2011

I love award shows, because you can see so many fashion trends in one place.  However, musicians unlike actors are so much more fun and creative with their personal styles.  Here are my picks for best dressed and worst dressed of the night.

                                                                     Best Dressed
I love princess RIRI she can do nothing wrong, except maybe ever talk to Chris Brown again.  This dress is just enough and is so her.  Her hair and makeup is flawless, she looks beautiful and her performance was dannnnnk.

Gahh too perfect, I love menswear and Janelle Monae pulls it off effortlessly.  
I wish Florence and the Machine won best new artist, but they didn't.  Honestly, I'm just happy Bieber didn't win against such amazing musicians, since he's a talentless little spawn and has the craziest look in his eye.

Speaking of Bieber here is his publicitiy stunt of a girlfriend, because seriously look at this girl then look at Justin Bieber and try an explain why they would ever date.  Maybe she likes his personality?

Oh she went there and I don't hate it. You go girl!

Since she is usually fashion-challenged, I'm going to give it to her, even though I really don't want to.

This dress, this hair, this jewelry is perfection.  The fit is perfect on her and could not be more stunning. Side note: gold and metallic tones were very popular on the Red Carpet.

LADIEZZZ: This is how you make pregnancy look cool, and I thought only Nicole Richie could achieve that. Although, I wish she did some sort of necklace for a little extra juzzzza.

Kidman, mama you nailed this one.  I love this dress and finally her face doesn't look like something Signory Weaver killed in Alien.

Whatever Jennie from the Bloc is doing has to be illegal, because damnnnn this bitch looks good.  This dress is amazing and I would kill my dog for those shoes.

Worst Dressed

I usually love kitty purry, and when I say love I mean, sorta like, but I hate this look.

This is on a lot of best dressed lists and I couldn't disagree more.  It's too muchy for a C- list star and her shoes are so 2005.

I think Heidi Klum is the real deal and I usually love her youthful and fun looks, but this just is not right. It doesn't fit and it's missing her usual personalized touch.

Jewel did you not see How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, come on.

This girl is so annoying and I hate how people pretend she has good style.  Ok fine, I have a personal vendetta because she's kissed Puck and Fin, but still this dress blows.  

She's just being Miley, I like it but hate it all at once. hmm

I made this picture small on purpose, because Lady Gaga is a attention whore and showed up in an egg like a child.  That's all.