Monday, February 28, 2011

The Underwhelming Oscars

Last night was the 83rd Annual Academy Awards and the Kings Speech broke records winning three major awards, while also winning best picture.  I have not seen it, but have heard amazing things and Colin Firth is sexy.  Black Swan and Natalie Portman are scary so she deserved the win, due to the fact she's knocked up and played a schizophrenic ballarina...oh Hollywood.  Let me now talk about the man of the night and the man of my heart; JAMES FRANCO, he is so amazing and so beautiful.  Also, he must of had 12 gravity bong hits beforehand, because he was stoned out of his mind.  Crazy Kids.

Heres my best dressed of the night.

Damn this girl is hot, whoever the hell she is.  She proves you can look glamourous without putting too much effort in...or is that what she wants us to think.  Whoever she is shes wearing Calvin Klien Collection, which is always a boring yet rewarding choice.

This girl is 14!!!!!! What a bitch, I didn't look like that at 14, I had braces, acne, and my walkman.  Oh the Irony, she dresses like a moviestar in a custom made Marchesa dress she helped design and at 14 I dressed like Avril Lavigne.  Sweet life.

Oh Mandy, I'm missing you like Candy, where have you been gurl!  I love this dress, mostly because it sparkles and her skin is so pale I can't tell where the dress ends and her alien skin begins.  Her hair is perfect as is her makeup, buttt these earring are all wrong she needs a giant emerald stud...where ya at Van Cleef.

This is how you dress like a moviestar ladiezzz, this ain't the prom its da Oscars.  This Givenchy dress is like artwork, while being totally wearable and that is difficult to achieve.  It does help that this bitch is a timeless beauty and her hair looks like my moms.

This dress cost a million dollars baby, I LOVE FEATHERS!  Hilary Swank could kick my ass; therefore, all I have to say is this dress is sick.

GPaltrow is so annoying and I know her husband thinks so too, I mean here he is the lead singer of Coldplay and his wife sings more venues than he does and shes tone def...brutal.

This dress is awesome and everyone hates it, which makes it even better.  I love how it's little mirrors everywhere, I bet an Indian from India made this, they love mirrors in clothes and bags. #tacky

Its sad that last year Sandra was at the peak of her career and living a happy life with her family and now her ex-husband is marrying Kat Von D...wooooof.  Anyway the ex is deff kicking himself after this dress....MAMA looks good.

This is my second favorite dress, but noone cares because she's MArky Mark's date, wife, mom, grandma, or gf.  Like, who in the blazes is this women and why is her dress so ahhmazing.

I thought I like this dress, but now it looks like Ariel's sheet after she orgasms out of the ocean with know the part I'm talking about.  Well its ugly and toole is for tools.

Worst Dressed
This is victorian and gross.

Nicole Kidman always pulls out her best outfits when she isn't getting an award...see my Grammys post. This is strange and looks like my grandmas tablecloth she uses at christmas at the botton and the top looks like a sewed on nakpin that matches.

I need to imform you this trainwreck was actually on People's bestdressed list, good god are they clueless.  As if, this dress was gorgeous until they gave it to Amy Adams to ruin with an ugly face, a necklace, and ginger untamed hair.  Its funny and true, but I read it over and felt kind of bad. Oh well.

She is so werid, I can just feel it.  I know her personality is just like Mia Thirmopolous from Princess Diaries, but now shes a moviestar so they hide her strange quirks behind hair and makeup.  Anyway this dress seems overhyped, I don't know why I don't like it, because I usually love everything she wears.  I mean at last years Oscars she wore that Armani Prive dress I still get a boner over, and this year shes boring.  I wonder if Zoe still styles her, I feel like maybe not after this look, it needs better accessories.

This dress was a best dressed for me at first, but the more I looked at it the more I wanted to light it on fire.  Her hair is awesome and I am dying it this color the second my lowlife baby daddy sends me teh child support checks.  

Hello I am Miss South Carolina, I love world peace, long bubble baths, sensitive men, and women's rights.  Reese good god women whot hopponed?  This is so Julia Roberts in 2001 winning for Erin Brockovich and that isn't a good thing, because I hate Julia and her fake smile and it's 2011.

People also said this was a best dressed nominee.  It looks like little sparkling leeches sucking the blood from her engorged tits.

I have never seen a chanel dress I didn't like and I feel it is against my religion to hate this dress.  I don't hate the dress it just isn't right or something.  I KNOW, it belongs on a older more sophisticated women up for an award with a better bra and better spanx.
photo cred: People, Usweekly, and celebuzz.