Celebrity Fragrances: A brief History

Since the dawn of time celebrity's have been making fragrances; such as, the hottie cave girl perfume called Fur, which was a lovey scent of berries infused with a hint of womanly must.  Also for the "it" cave guy we have Grunt, which is a not so lovely scent, but definitely manly.  The scent is deer pee infused with the essence of dirt and just a hint of fennel.  Anyway, you get the point, celebrity fragrances go back to the dawn of civilization and continued to the end of it...the 90's; cue bad Paris Hilton jokes... remember her?  Well, she basically started the term franchise and the idea that "celebrity's" all must have a fragrance.  After Paris, we have real celebrity's like Britney and Justin making fragrances, then something terrible happens EVERYYYY herb with 15 minutes creates a truly heinous fragrance and it ain't smelling so sweet.  Alas, here are a few of my favorites.

BAHAHAHAHAHA UNbreakable, the bond between white V and black P HAHAHAHAHAHA

Justin Bieber.  I think I just retched.  I mean wow it takes an extremely secure (gay) seventeen year old boy to come-out (pun-intended) with a perfume that is a pink flower and smells like dick-cheese.

Look at that bald head in all it's glory, you want to know what this ad is telling me?  If you want to be bald wear this cologne; then, just maybe, you'll die hard.  Man, this guy must have a worst PR guy than Lindsay Lohan/ Michael Lohan.

Obession du jour

Some current obsessions that recently broke my very small bank account... this week.

Burt's Bee Tinted lip balm in HoneySuckle ( so great and baby pink @alyssahoffman "baby prostitute lipstick" aka pale pink)

Just got these suckers on sale at my version of church; Marshall's, and let me tell you I'll scare all the men away in these, but I'll collect all the ladiezzz!! (Steve Madden Shoes)

Love a good over sized sweater for fall and it's on sale!!!! ( Calvin Klein Collection)

I will never understand why women torture themselves with things like under-wire, anddd unless you're ano padded bras make you look like a german-milk-maid.  Therefore,  I give you the adult version of the training bra, literally the most comfortable thing your tits have been in since 'Nam.  (Honeydew Intimates)





 

CutCopy- Face to Face

Jack's Mannequin- Hostage (Off brand new CD)

Bassnectar- Basshead

Mamas is hankering for a creative outlet so I'm back all 7 of you!! RAHHH My mind is melting into a pool of watermelon sorbet on a hot JUULY day, especially with all my corporate work I have to do.  SO important.  Anyway it's Tuesday so here's a tragic song from the dead soul poet hunter that is, Bon Iver.

Music Monday (Sorry for our hiatus, but we've been busy blacking out and having a "life")

1.) Ray Lamontagne "New York Cities Killing Me"
2.) The Decemberists"Carry It All"
3.) Wiz Khalifia "No Sleep" (notable obsession since 2010"The Thrill")
4.) Chris O'brien "Light House"
5.) Bob Marley " Waiting in Vain" (I know, I know it's old, but it describes my soul)
6.) Radiohead "Codex" (new album is just as depressing as this song)
7.) Grace Potter & the Nocturnals "One Short Night"
8.) John Mayer "L.A. Song"
9.) Marina & the Diamonds "Robot" ( The remix is amazeballs as well)
10.) The Donnis Trio "Tip of my Tongue"

Is that me being emo? Probably, I hate people and generally all other things ^-^

Ok, I realize I have a strange sense of music compared to my fellow rolling/candyflipping/schrooming techno generation.  Sorry for wishing I was 21 in 1993 and sorry for weeping as a song plays, instead of "feeling the rhythm, feeling the rhyme, come on boys its bobsled time."  Ya get me? Prob not, so here's Alyssa's Music Monday choices, which all you hipsters will surely enjoy.



1.) Dan Brown "Ecstasy"
2.) Emancipator "When I Go"
3.) Thievery Corporation " Lebanese Blonde"
4.) Yolanda be Cool "Afro Nuts" ( A++)
5.) The XX "You've Got the Love Remix"
6.) Bonobo "Kiara"
7.) Animal Collective "My Girls"
8.) Waka Flocka " No Hands" ( Because it nevvvver gets old)
9.) Miike Snow "Animal Punks Jump Up Remix"
10.) Coeur De Pirate "Comme Des" (We both go ape shit for this song and you will too, it's more exciting when you don't understand it and people think you're hip when really your just a fucking weirdo"

Alyssa generally is friendly and weird; however, my emo-ass is slowly eroding her warn, fuzzy, soul; as seen here.  She's basically Curt Cobain in a blanket.

The Underwhelming Oscars

Last night was the 83rd Annual Academy Awards and the Kings Speech broke records winning three major awards, while also winning best picture.  I have not seen it, but have heard amazing things and Colin Firth is sexy.  Black Swan and Natalie Portman are scary so she deserved the win, due to the fact she's knocked up and played a schizophrenic ballarina...oh Hollywood.  Let me now talk about the man of the night and the man of my heart; JAMES FRANCO, he is so amazing and so beautiful.  Also, he must of had 12 gravity bong hits beforehand, because he was stoned out of his mind.  Crazy Kids.

Heres my best dressed of the night.

Damn this girl is hot, whoever the hell she is.  She proves you can look glamourous without putting too much effort in...or is that what she wants us to think.  Whoever she is shes wearing Calvin Klien Collection, which is always a boring yet rewarding choice.

This girl is 14!!!!!! What a bitch, I didn't look like that at 14, I had braces, acne, and my walkman.  Oh the Irony, she dresses like a moviestar in a custom made Marchesa dress she helped design and at 14 I dressed like Avril Lavigne.  Sweet life.

Oh Mandy, I'm missing you like Candy, where have you been gurl!  I love this dress, mostly because it sparkles and her skin is so pale I can't tell where the dress ends and her alien skin begins.  Her hair is perfect as is her makeup, buttt these earring are all wrong she needs a giant emerald stud...where ya at Van Cleef.

This is how you dress like a moviestar ladiezzz, this ain't the prom its da Oscars.  This Givenchy dress is like artwork, while being totally wearable and that is difficult to achieve.  It does help that this bitch is a timeless beauty and her hair looks like my moms.

This dress cost a million dollars baby, I LOVE FEATHERS!  Hilary Swank could kick my ass; therefore, all I have to say is this dress is sick.

GPaltrow is so annoying and I know her husband thinks so too, I mean here he is the lead singer of Coldplay and his wife sings more venues than he does and shes tone def...brutal.

This dress is awesome and everyone hates it, which makes it even better.  I love how it's little mirrors everywhere, I bet an Indian from India made this, they love mirrors in clothes and bags. #tacky

Its sad that last year Sandra was at the peak of her career and living a happy life with her family and now her ex-husband is marrying Kat Von D...wooooof.  Anyway the ex is deff kicking himself after this dress....MAMA looks good.

This is my second favorite dress, but noone cares because she's MArky Mark's date, wife, mom, grandma, or gf.  Like, who in the blazes is this women and why is her dress so ahhmazing.

I thought I like this dress, but now it looks like Ariel's sheet after she orgasms out of the ocean with legs...you know the part I'm talking about.  Well its ugly and toole is for tools.

Worst Dressed

This is victorian and gross.

Nicole Kidman always pulls out her best outfits when she isn't getting an award...see my Grammys post. This is strange and looks like my grandmas tablecloth she uses at christmas at the botton and the top looks like a sewed on nakpin that matches.

I need to imform you this trainwreck was actually on People's bestdressed list, good god are they clueless.  As if, this dress was gorgeous until they gave it to Amy Adams to ruin with an ugly face, a necklace, and ginger untamed hair.  Its funny and true, but I read it over and felt kind of bad. Oh well.

She is so werid, I can just feel it.  I know her personality is just like Mia Thirmopolous from Princess Diaries, but now shes a moviestar so they hide her strange quirks behind hair and makeup.  Anyway this dress seems overhyped, I don't know why I don't like it, because I usually love everything she wears.  I mean at last years Oscars she wore that Armani Prive dress I still get a boner over, and this year shes boring.  I wonder if Zoe still styles her, I feel like maybe not after this look, it needs better accessories.

This dress was a best dressed for me at first, but the more I looked at it the more I wanted to light it on fire.  Her hair is awesome and I am dying it this color the second my lowlife baby daddy sends me teh child support checks.  

Hello I am Miss South Carolina, I love world peace, long bubble baths, sensitive men, and women's rights.  Reese good god women whot hopponed?  This is so Julia Roberts in 2001 winning for Erin Brockovich and that isn't a good thing, because I hate Julia and her fake smile and it's 2011.

People also said this was a best dressed nominee.  It looks like little sparkling leeches sucking the blood from her engorged tits.

I have never seen a chanel dress I didn't like and I feel it is against my religion to hate this dress.  I don't hate the dress it just isn't right or something.  I KNOW, it belongs on a older more sophisticated women up for an award with a better bra and better spanx.

photo cred: People, Usweekly, and celebuzz.

j'adore bitches.

I love bitches and I ain't talking about dogs here.  I love girls who are badass and truly don't give a fuck, they are effortless and get what they want while acting like they don't want anything.  The best way to explain a the kind of bitch I'm talking about would be through TV.  Now there are many kinds of bitches, there are unoriginal bitches who are just mean and I hate that kinda bitch, I like bitches who aren't mean to people they are honest and do what they want.  Here are some examples.

Kristin from Laguna Beach

Oh Kristin you are such an annoying bitch, but christ you get what you want and you don't care who you piss off.  Yes she may have talked shit a little too much, but it was always true?  I disliked her on the Hills, but on Laguna Beach she was in her prime.  Lauren was a pathetic puppy for Steeeeee-vann, while Kristen gave them both the run-around making Steven like her more and Lauren like her less.  

Deb Morgan from Dexter

This is my favorite bitch on television nooo joke, google her right now and listen to her potty mouth in action.  She says the most disgusting things, I aspire to talk as dirty as deb.  She's a huge bitch and basically hands men their balls everyday, because she can and she's that badass.

Effy Stonum from Skins

This chick inspires me and she's 17 years old, so you would think I lead a boring, meaningless life; however, you wold be wrong.  If you have seen BRITISH SKINS you know what I'm talking about, I love everything this girl says, thinks, wears, and inhales.  Now since I'm in America and Skins is a new show on MTV I have to specify.  American Skins is so stupid, it would be more worth your time to get a spinal tap then sit through MTV's sad attempt to recreate the best cast of sex-crazed and drug-addicted collegiates ever to exist.  However, you can't blame MTV, instead blame the Wasps who built this country on hard-work and chastity, NO better yet blame bloody mary and the other crazy catholics of England....or just blame Luther...or his mother haha.  Anyway I want to be Effy and strive to be just like her, she cares about nothing and effortlessly does everything perfect...she's actually the opposite of me.

Heres some Effy fashion...sort of Grudge Glam 

SO to conclude....Bitches is Bitches, but there are many kinds of bitches.  SO, don't be a mean bitch be a carefree awesome bitch.  Ciaoo chickens